Calling

IMG_2217My calling, lately, has been to live with this cancer and figure out what to do next. Like Long Term Disability, Social Security Disability, using 401(k) funds for medical expenses. Hair thinning, fatigue after chemo, encumbered by chemo and feed and fluid bags,. Many many more trips to the bathroom, living with an ileostomy bag. Letting others love on me and help me. Findings ways for others to help me. Finding ways to help others feel they have done enough.

I admit when this first started, I only told two friends. One of them had gone through breast cancer herself and said be prepared to be loved on. It was a minor remark to her as she was actually focusing on another point. But I shuddered when I heard that. I’m an introvert at heart and I’m uncomfortable with attention and love (apparently).

But I have found that by God’s grace I relish the signs of love that I get. I have gotten a TON of cards from 70 individual people. I have comments all over my caringbridge journal entries. I have hugs and encouragement from people at church and high school friends, and college friends. It has been wonderful and I know it is only by the grace of God that I have been able to accept the love in all the many ways it has been shown to me.

For those who have loved on me since this all started, thank you so much! It means the world to me. I know God loves me, and He is using many of you to demonstrate that during this fairly dark and scary time. He is holding me up and I can only rest in Him.

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