I need to put this down so that I will remember and I will hear the words that aren’t getting completely to my brain and heart this week.
Let me start with our big God-story from 2007. Anthony lost his job during the summer and spent about 4 months looking for another job. I know that isn’t long compare to many others. But when you don’t know how long it will take, every week feels very long. Right after he lost his job, the Ligonier Fall Conference was here in Charlotte. We had registered months earlier because this was not an opportunity to be lost, they were right here! The converence topic was God’s Sovereignty. I sat there for 1.5 days listening to RC Sproul and Steve Lawson declare the sovereignty of God from every angle. There is nothing that is not under His control. He knows all things, He loves me and watches over me and is never surprised by anything that happens to me. This was huge for me as I wondered how we would make it on my salary alone.
[Side note, I am all for Biblical roles. I struggle in some ways to figure out how what I do fits in, but I agree with the complementarian view. One thing I certainly am willing to let go is being the primary (or only) bread winner. That is some stress right there and I applaud men who do it every day for their entire life.]
I held onto God’s promise that he was in control and we kept paying bills with the money in the checking account and I was amazed at how the money came in. Nothing as amazing as stories of needing $133 to pay for a specific bill and then having a long-lost relative send a check for $133 for something long forgotten. Just normal, daily coverage for our life.
I write that to remind myself that He is faithful and fear is a waste of energy (except for the fact that it drives me back into His arms).
Now, why I need to remember that…
I have made three fairly big decisions in the past few years.
Two years ago I decided to pursue my EMBA at a local university. It started as a search for something to do to rejuvenate my work and attitude. I prayed about it because it was a big step. I got accepted, got support from work, and also got a promotion and I firmly believe it was all God’s doing. I didn’t want to go forward if He didn’t want me there.
In May and June I decided to homeschool my nephew. That was a lot of research and planning, but also prayer and willingness to do what was right. I have my plan, but I have tried hard to hold onto it loosely and be willing to follow His plan as it unfolds for me.
This April I took a new job at my company. I am not as positive that I bathed that in enough prayer. I certainly prayed for the position, but I may not have been as open to staying at my old job if that was His will.
[Note. I also know that underneath all of my daily life issues is the continued concern for my Dad who is still unconcious in the hospital. I could have been a better daughter and I would like a “do over”, but in the eternal matters I’m at peace with Dad. I’d just like more time to hang out with him.]
The EMBA program finishes in 2.5 months! I have learned a lot and am glad I did it. I am not sure I’m the executive type so I don’t have a clear view of where I will go as a result of the degree. But I certainly have more knowledge and experience now.
Homeschooling as I see it will go on for the next 5 years until he graduates. That may change and I’m trying to remain open to His possibilities.
The one that isn’t going as planned is my new job. My position will not be funded in 2009 so I need to find a new job at my company between now and the end of the year. There are possibilities. Someone else in my department may choose to move and I take on their work. I could call on some old colleagues and go back to the area I came from. I could make a connection with someone and get a job in another part of the company. Even further outside my current realm of possibilities, I could be let go and find a job at a completely different company. I just don’t have anything lined up yet (it’s been a week since I found this out) and the possibilities are not all rosy.
Tonight my husband was talking about how I got the other jobs and positions I’ve held at this company. But none of them came through job hunting. It was all people I knew and possibilities that just opened up. Even the job I took this year came into my inbox from my old manager. Faith says I should trust that God knows what I will be doing in 3 months and I need to be responsible but not afraid.
Tonight we went to a Young Life dinner. I feel like I’m living in a bubble right now and everything I do is colored by this new concern for my job. Even sitting through church or the program at the dinner tonight requires effort to concentrate through the buzz of worry. But the speaker at the dinner was really good and kept my attention. Of course, he was trying to explain what Young Life does and why we should help support the program. What I heard was God answering my cry for assurance and encouragement.
At one point, the speaker told a story about his daughter who, when she was little, climbed up a ladder onto their roof and then would walk along the roof every time he tried to climb up the ladder to get her. He finally called her name and told her to jump! She believed that her daddy would catch her, and she exercised faith when her feet left the roof and she leaped into his arms.
Here is what I take from that. I can continue to worry and be anxious while saying that I believe that God is sovereign and has a plan for me.
I can have faith and refuse to continue to worry and be anxious and distracted and stressed.
To put that even more succinctly: Y’in, Y’out?*
*(Are you in or are you out?)