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More thoughts on my blog entry from Monday.

I said I wasn’t feeling bad or scared, that this was terrible or devastating. That is true, but perhaps I can be clearer. Maybe I need to be clearer so I remember this later. When friends say this is terrible or devastating, they are probably thinking that in this economy I may not find another job quickly. We may lose our house and other trappings of our comfortable life. When I say this isn’t devastating or terrible, I don’t mean those things won’t happen. I am aware that we may indeed lose a lot of the things we have and experience some humiliation as we find ourselves trying to get out from under all of the things we have right now. I don’t think the next months will be easy.

But I mean that having all of that happen is not devastating unless we lose our faith in God and harden our hearts. In the last two days I have gotten busy with cleaning up some things at work and with getting other todos done and wasn’t immersed in the Bible and in the books that have encouraged me and made me excited about what I could do, and I have found that with that distance and some of the conversations I’ve had I have become a little frightened and depressed. I can’t do that, I need to be more careful about how I spend my time.

I also need to get back into practice for job hunting. I created a new email address to use for my resume and the outplacement service and then didn’t check it. Today I found an email from the outplacement service that was sitting there for a few days. I need to develop some new habits, I guess.

It has been an interesting few days. Friends and family at home and church now know about my job situation. I have gotten three types of responses, and I am overwhelmed by the amount of love and concern that everyone has shown me. There are the people who are shocked and angry and use words like “terrible” and “devastating” and in general feel that this is a huge setback and they make me feel I should be crying nonstop. Then there are people who have been through unemployment before. They are the ones with practical feedback and encouragement that I will get through this. I told Anthony that I started to wonder if I should feel worse about this given how so many people are reacting.

Then there are a few who either have read my blog or showed interest in finding out how I am feeling, instead of telling me how bad they feel. Those conversations touch on the excitement of what is ahead and the encouragement and strength needed to get through the tasks and waiting ahead of me/us. Those conversations have been fun and fruitful. As one friend said, I don’t need to feel worse because that would just mean I was worrying.

Anthony has joked that he thinks I should have consulted him before praying such a big prayer. He is wonderful about all of this, he’s even more excited than I am (he’s been unemployed more times than I have, too).

One opportunity at work didn’t come through, so this week I will begin seriously searching and praying nonstop for God’s guidance in the right direction. I realized Friday while I was waiting to see if that opportunity to stay would work out, that I would indeed stay if given the chance. I’m not sure if it is a desire to stay safe or prudent, but it may be that God has to close all of those doors on me. If that happens, I can’t be disappointed, because it just means He has plans for me elsewhere. I’ll cling to that, because while my blog posts are discussing the excitement, I have to admit there have been a few tears and feelings of anger and frustration too.

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One final thought for this post. Over the past few months as God has been convicting me and drawing my heart out and away from myself, I have thought about finding another career or other way to serve. I remember thinking that if something big was planned it would have to wait two years while I continued to work for my employer in return for my tuition. Well, that “roadblock” has been removed.

I have a dilemma and I’m going to share it with you. As you know, we went to the Ligonier National Conference and for 3 days we heard a stellar group of godly men preach in the holiness of God (and the faithfulness of John Calvin). One of the concepts that I picked up was something that fit in with some of the other reading I have been doing this year. That a love of God and desire for his will be our primary focus, our overriding concern, to desire to be made holy because God is holy. A recognition that I am not my own, I belong to my Savior and He can use me as He sees fit. For example, John Calvin was challenged to choose between pursuing his own interests or giving up his interests to honor and obey God’s call. Aspects of this obedience are self-denial and cross bearing. There were additional talks about needing to have a heartfelt sense of my need of God and a sense of humility and trust in God along with a confident hope.

This jonied with the movement in my heart already started by the book Not For Sale and my desire for a vocation and purposeful life. Maybe it was even earlier when I found this song in October. I fully believe that I can do good things while living where I am and doing what I do for a living. But, as many of us are, I am challenged to ask if I own my things or if they own me. If God called me to, would I be willing to give it all up and walk away from my respectable life?

So, we came home and on Monday I prayed to God and it went something like this. “Use me for Your glory – in any way You choose. Even if it means humiliation or struggle for me, I am willing to obey and do Your will.” I had some thoughts in mind while I prayed this. As we have watched the economy get worse and seen so many people affected we have realized that even what we have saved may not be enough. We have talked about what we would do if we could no longer afford the house. What it would mean to try to fulfill our legal obligations, but when we would make the hard choice to walk away from it if necessary. I’ve thought how it would feel to be different from our friends – trying to understand how so many in this country already feel as they have lost jobs and houses and all of the things that make us all like everyone else.

But when I said that prayer I didn’t really have a sense of how it might be answered, just that I wanted to be faithful enough to lean on God when He answers it. And hope I recognize when He does answer it, to know how to obey.

I bet you are wondering where this is all going, after all, I did say I had a dilemma. Yesterday I was told today that I am part of a resource action at my employer and my last day is April 27. I may find another job within the company before then in which case this is all just a bad dream and things continue on as they have been.

I have lots of friends looking in many directions for a position for me, and that is a good thing. I am so grateful that I have friends who want to help me and have some ability to help me. My main prayer is to know how to wait on God’s timing and not manufacture a solution on my own. If this is the answer to my prayer, it may mean we are in for a huge change and I don’t want to fight it just to protect my safe little world.

That leads to my dilemma – knowing what choices to make, what actions to take. Do I take any option to stay where I am? If I decide not to do that, if I decide not to take an opportunity that others go out of their way to create for me I only pray I have the right words to say it without burning bridges but while being obedient. I’m really hoping God keeps closing doors until only the right one is open. I expect it won’t be that easy or clear-cut. I will pray for God to realize and strengthen my motivation to be obedient and provide the right help for me to do that.

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Well, one door didn’t close. My employer paid quite a bit for my recent Executive MBA and in agreement I have to work for 2 more years. If I quit before then I owe my employer that money. I just confirmed that as a result of this resource action, I am NOT expected to pay back any of those expenses. If I had been, it would have been a sure sign to me to stick around at whatever job I can find here. It may be that this free ride and my package could make it a good time to walk away. Although the economy doesn’t encourage me to walk away, but worry over my daily bread is not supposed to be my motivation.

There are still a few layers of management that could say no. I don’t know what to pray for, so I’ll stick to asking God to keep me obedient to His will.